Are you using the right words to support your child’s growth? Experts say there’s a common phrase parents should avoid saying to their kids—here’s why.

The Common Phrase Parents Should Reconsider

Parenting is full of decisions, and the language we use with our children can have a significant impact on their development. One phrase, in particular, has become a staple of encouragement—”good job.” However, child psychologists, including Dr. Becky Kennedy, urge parents to reconsider using this phrase. In this article, we explore why “good job” might not be as beneficial as you think, and what you can say instead to nurture your child’s emotional growth.

Why Saying ‘Good Job’ Isn’t Always the Best Approach

The phrase “good job” has long been a go-to response for parents looking to praise their child’s efforts. It feels natural to say when a child has completed a task, whether it’s drawing a picture, cleaning up toys, or finishing homework. However, according to Dr. Becky Kennedy, a child psychologist and expert in developmental behavior, this well-intentioned phrase could actually have some unintended consequences.

Dr Becky Kennedy shared her thoughts on the phrase (**YouTube/@timferriss**)

The Hidden Risks of ‘Good Job’

Dr. Kennedy, speaking on The Tim Ferriss Show, explained why “good job” might not be the praise parents think it is. She believes that saying this phrase could create an unhealthy reliance on external validation. Children may start to expect validation from others rather than learning to validate themselves. Over time, they might struggle to feel self-assured without external approval.

“Every time my kid produces something, what they want to wire next to that is someone telling them ‘good job,'” Dr. Kennedy said. The result? Children might go through life constantly seeking validation and approval from others, which can affect their self-esteem and confidence.

The Problem with Relying on External Validation

The core issue, as Dr. Kennedy explains, is that “good job” becomes a shortcut to shutting down meaningful conversation. It doesn’t encourage deeper thinking or self-reflection. Instead of asking the child about their experience or feelings behind their actions, the phrase merely acknowledges the end result without offering any space for personal growth or introspection.

What Parents Should Do Instead: Fostering Self-Awareness and Confidence

So, if “good job” is off-limits, what should parents say? Dr. Kennedy suggests focusing on fostering open communication and curiosity. Rather than offering praise, parents can ask their child to share more about their experience. This helps children develop a sense of self-awareness and emotional intelligence, which are crucial for their personal growth.

For example, instead of saying “good job” when a child hands over a drawing, try asking questions like:

“What inspired you to draw that?”
“Can you tell me about the colors you chose?”
“What story does this picture tell?”

By asking open-ended questions, parents invite children to explore their thoughts and emotions, allowing them to take pride in their process rather than just the outcome.

A Real-Life Example from Dr. Kennedy

Dr. Kennedy shared a personal story from her own parenting experience. She recalled a moment when her daughter gave her a painting. Instead of offering the typical praise, Dr. Kennedy asked her daughter about the artwork. The child then proceeded to explain that she had never really seen a red police car, which inspired her to paint it. This exchange created a rich conversation and allowed the child to share a meaningful story behind her creation.

Why ‘Good Job’ is a Conversation Ender

The concern with the phrase “good job” is that it can often end a conversation abruptly. It doesn’t leave room for further dialogue about the child’s thoughts, feelings, or intentions. Dr. Kennedy advocates for engaging with your child in a way that invites them to share more about themselves, which helps build a stronger emotional connection and encourages them to explore their creativity.

Building Your Child’s Confidence Through Positive Engagement

Dr. Kennedy emphasizes the importance of “doubling down on building our kid’s confidence.” This doesn’t mean just giving praise when they do something “right” but acknowledging their efforts in a way that empowers them. It’s about reinforcing the idea that their value comes from within, not just from external approval.

By focusing on fostering intrinsic motivation, parents can help their children develop a strong sense of self-worth and confidence that will serve them throughout their lives. Encouraging kids to reflect on their actions, thoughts, and feelings promotes self-reliance and resilience.

Why This Shift in Parenting is Important for Long-Term Development

Research consistently shows that children who are taught to rely on internal validation tend to be more resilient, confident, and independent as they grow older. By shifting the focus from external praise to internal reflection, parents can help their children develop a growth mindset—one where effort, learning, and self-improvement are valued over simply “getting it right.”

For more insights into how parents can nurture their children’s emotional development, check out this guide to positive reinforcement.

The Challenges Parents Face: Why ‘Good Job’ Feels So Natural

It’s worth noting that parents often resort to saying “good job” because it feels easy and immediate. Positive reinforcement is a key part of parenting, and the phrase “good job” seems like a quick way to acknowledge a child’s effort. However, as Dr. Kennedy points out, it’s important for parents to move beyond this reflexive response and engage more meaningfully with their child’s development.

Social Media Perspectives: What Parents Are Saying About ‘Good Job’

The topic of how we praise our children has garnered significant attention on social media, where parents, psychologists, and experts alike are sharing their thoughts. Conversations about the impact of praise on a child’s development are spreading across platforms like Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. As more people discuss the harmful effects of phrases like “good job,” we’re seeing a shift toward more mindful, reflective parenting.

Here are a few social media posts that highlight different viewpoints on the matter:

Instagram Post – @ParentingWithPurpose
“We used to say ‘good job’ every time our kids completed a task, but now we ask them to share their thoughts about what they just did. The change in their confidence and communication skills has been incredible. #ReflectiveParenting #ParentingGoals”
View the post
Twitter Post – @Psychology_Mom
“Child psychologists recommend moving away from ‘good job’ because it can stunt self-validation. Instead, ask your child what they liked most about their work. It’s been a game-changer in our house! 💬👏 #PositiveParenting #ParentingTips”
Read more on Twitter
Facebook Post – Dr. Becky Kennedy
“Instead of saying ‘good job,’ we’ve been encouraging our kids to talk about how they feel when they complete a task. It’s amazing to see them develop a better sense of self! 🌱💡 #MindfulParenting #GrowthMindset”
Join the conversation on Facebook

These posts highlight the growing trend of mindful parenting, where parents focus on helping their children build emotional intelligence and self-reflection rather than simply giving praise. The shift is gaining momentum, as parents realize that a deeper connection and understanding of their children’s emotions are key to fostering healthy self-esteem and confidence.

Conclusion: A Better Way to Support Your Child’s Growth

The next time your child shows you something they’re proud of, take a moment to think about how you can support their growth in a more meaningful way. Rather than simply offering a quick “good job,” consider engaging with them about their experience and feelings. By fostering a deeper connection, you can help them build the confidence, independence, and self-awareness they need to thrive in the world.

Featured Image Credit: Getty Stock Image